


Realisation

by Bard_the_Bowman



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comforting Sirius Black, Depressed Remus, Depression, Doctors, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Remus Lupin, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 09:45:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8619598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bard_the_Bowman/pseuds/Bard_the_Bowman
Summary: Remus has depression and it's so hard for him to believe that anyone could love him.





	

Remus felt tired. 

He was exhausted of the doubt filling his head. He wanted to just be happy and to relax in the knowledge that he had friends who loved him and that they'd all be together forever.

But he couldn't.

_They don't really like you,_ his brain would tell him. _They only keep you around because they feel sorry for you. They don't want you at all. You're a nuisance and a pain and you're annoying and not worth the effort._

Sirius knew how Remus felt. He didn't understand exactly and he didn't pretend to, but he tried his best to do what he could. "I care." He'd tell Remus when he could see he was feeling bad and needed to hear it. "I want you. I love you."

Remus appreciated it and loved Sirius for it but as much as he wanted to believe what Sirius was saying, he couldn't.

_How could anyone love you?_ His brain would say. _He's only pretending to make you feel better._

"Leave me alone." Remus would sob, at night, quietly into his pillow so that the others wouldn't hear him.

The voice in his ear laughed. _If I leave you alone then you really will be alone, and you don't want that, so you? I'm all you've got, and you know it._

Remus did know it, and it hurt. But what could he do except push the others away to save them from having to pretend all the time, and to make sure they never stood a chance of getting hurt by him?

Sirius heard Remus' cries at night. He saw in Remus' eyes that he wasn't really happy whenever he smiled. He noticed how he shied away whenever Peter tried to touch him, how he wouldn't talk to James anymore, how he'd isolated himself so much that he didn't know the others like he'd used to. He never joined in, he was quieter, he was angry more than he was happy and he didn't laugh as much now.

It broke Sirius' heart to see Remus like this. There was so much pain in his resting expression now, such a wall he had built up around himself, and there was nothing he could do except try to be there when he was needed. 

"Go to Madame Pomfrey." He would tell Remus. "Or the doctors in Hogsmeade. I'll come with you, I promise."

Remus knew he should but he was frightened.

_You're nothing without me._ It would whisper in his ear. _Without me, nobody will talk to you. Without me, you won't be able to do things any more. Or maybe there is no me. I'm in your head because I'm you. This is all you. You're making it up because you're an attention seeking little bastard and you're trying to pass off your bad behaviour as not your fault._

"Maybe soon." He'd tell Sirius. "It's hard and it scares me."

Sirius couldn't understand why it would be scary but he wanted to help, so he nodded. "You can do it. I believe in you."

Remus felt his mouth turn up into a small smile. "Thank you." He said.

_You'll only disappoint him._

 

One night it got particularly bad and Sirius was woken by Remus crying. 

"Hey." He said, climbing into Remus' bed. "I'm here. I've got you." He held his arms out and Remus leaned into them, crying into Sirius' shoulder. 

Remus remembered how Sirius wasn't a fan of hugs. Sirius was always a bit jumpy at being touched because of how his family had always hit him. Remus was so grateful that Sirius was hugging him but didn't know what he could do to show it, so he just cried and hugged him tighter. They fell asleep like that, curled together in Remus' bed.

 

"I'll go." Remus whispered. 

Sirius raised his head, blearily. "Hmm?"

"I'll go to the doctors in Hogsmede." Repeated Remus, propping himself up on his elbow. "I can't stop being a monster but I might be able to feel better about it at least." 

"You're not a monster to me," Sirius smiled up at him, "and I'm glad you're going to get help."

"I'm tired, Sirius." Remus lay back down again, head on his hand, other hand curled up under his chin. "I'm tired of being like this. I don't want to feel like this any more."

"I know." Said Sirius.

"Will...will you come with me?" Asked Remus, timidly. "I don't want to be by myself when I go."

"Of course I will." Replied Sirius, comfortingly. "I'm not going to leave you by yourself."

"Thank you." Said Remus. "Thank you so much."

 

Sirius helped Remus to write the letter to send by owl to get an appointment for the next time they were in Hogsmeade.

_You're making a mistake._ the voice was angry as the owl flew out of the tower towards the village. _You're going to regret this._

"Go away." Said Remus.

"Are you okay, Rem?" Asked Sirius. 

"It's whispering at me." Remus clutched at his head. "It won't leave me alone."

"Hey, don't listen to it." Sirius told him. "Listen to me. I'm here and I'm proud of you. This is a big step to you getting better."

Remus nodded. "Can I have a hug?" He asked, needing the physical comfort. 

Sirius opened his arms and Remus stepped in, feeling safe and hearing the malicious whispers of his brain fading away.

 

"I don't think I can do it." Remus said, hands shaking as they sat in the waiting room of the doctors in Hogsmeade. 

_You KNOW you can't do it._ Said his brain. _You need me. I'm all you have left._

"Yes you can. You're strong and I believe in you." Sirius told him.

"Remus Lupin to room 4." Said the announcer. 

 

"You did it." Said Sirius.

"I did it." Said Remus.

"You were amazing." 

"My hands were shaking, I was terrified." Remus confided. "It was horrible."

"I saw. But I thought you did brilliantly." Said Sirius.

"Thank you. For everything." Said Remus. "Now I have to see this therapist and then go back to the doctors. You'll come to the doctors when I have to go back again, won't you?"

"And I'm coming to the therapist." Said Sirius. "If you want me." 

Remus did want him. "Yes. Yes please. Thank you so much, Sirius." 

"Hey, it's okay." Sirius pulled him into a hug. "I'm so proud of you."

"I love you." Remus hugged him harder. "Don't leave me."

"I won't. I couldn't. I love you too." Sirius replied.

And for the first time in ages, Remus could believe him.


End file.
